There’s a lot of chatter on the web about the new Google Phone, the Nexus One. People speculate about what Google is doing; if Google will buy Sprint; if Google’s phone will be free … but they’re missing the bigger picture. What if Google opened a bar???
photo credit: Simon Aughton
Well, there will obviously be no clutter — just a big white room with no bottles or beer taps displayed. Ask and you shall receive — Google will stock everything.
But it will be ad supported. Want a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale? May we suggest a Budweiser American Ale instead? It embodies the spirit and rhythm of America. No? Ok, Sierra Nevada it is. That will be …
Free, right? Advertiser-supported drinks will eventually make them free. Which means Google will have to limit consumption somehow. Google can’t just allow all of its customers to drink themselves to death.
So, they’ll have to throttle usage. If certain unruly customers seem to be hitting up the service too often, they’ll have to enter a Captcha to prove their sobriety. Advertisers won’t want to advertise to blind drunks.
But some companies will be able to advertise directly to their consumers. Budweiser and Miller will have to pull all their advertising dollars out of sporting events to cover their bar tab. Sure the first American Ale is free, but the second … that’ll be paid for by Facebook (Isn’t it time you reconnected with __?) … and the third will be covered by Pfizer (Too much to drink? Viagra!) … and the fourth by Trojan. (Are you feeling lucky?)
And when the advertising dollars drain out of sporting events … Google will have to buy the NFL, NBA, MLB, etc. They’ll need the events to continue so that they have something to broadcast in their Google Bars (via YouTube) so patrons have a reason to visit.
But by this time, sporting events will be entirely digitized, conceptualized, modernized — there will be no athletes, just animated droid-thletes. And all the ex-athlete, muscled-up individuals that used to be professional athletes will be kicked to the curb, cursed to wander the streets jobless and penniless … only to find refuge in the Google Bar. Where they’ll have too much to drink, become angry at the bullshit, digitized farce on the YouTube screens and start a massive bar fight.
Which will interrupt all the Google Voice conversations and Friend Connections and Google Waves that are happening (nobody just TALKS in the Google Bar). And chaos will reign while the oppressed rise up and drunkenly swing at the also-drunk nerdarati. Which means only one thing: Google will have to buy the prison system. If Google’s going to make everything free, it will need a source of free labor.
The Google Cloud Bar | The Interwebs and Internets
There’s a lot of chatter on the web about the new Google Phone, the Nexus One. People speculate about what Google is doing; if Google will buy Sprint; if Google’s phone will be free … but they’re missing the bigger picture. What if Google opened a bar???
Well, there will obviously be no clutter — just a big white room with no bottles or beer taps displayed. Ask and you shall receive — Google will stock everything.
But it will be ad supported. Want a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale? May we suggest a Budweiser American Ale instead? It embodies the spirit and rhythm of America. No? Ok, Sierra Nevada it is. That will be …
Free, right? Advertiser-supported drinks will eventually make them free. Which means Google will have to limit consumption somehow. Google can’t just allow all of its customers to drink themselves to death.
So, they’ll have to throttle usage. If certain unruly customers seem to be hitting up the service too often, they’ll have to enter a Captcha to prove their sobriety. Advertisers won’t want to advertise to blind drunks.
But some companies will be able to advertise directly to their consumers. Budweiser and Miller will have to pull all their advertising dollars out of sporting events to cover their bar tab. Sure the first American Ale is free, but the second … that’ll be paid for by Facebook (Isn’t it time you reconnected with __?) … and the third will be covered by Pfizer (Too much to drink? Viagra!) … and the fourth by Trojan. (Are you feeling lucky?)
And when the advertising dollars drain out of sporting events … Google will have to buy the NFL, NBA, MLB, etc. They’ll need the events to continue so that they have something to broadcast in their Google Bars (via YouTube) so patrons have a reason to visit.
But by this time, sporting events will be entirely digitized, conceptualized, modernized — there will be no athletes, just animated droid-thletes. And all the ex-athlete, muscled-up individuals that used to be professional athletes will be kicked to the curb, cursed to wander the streets jobless and penniless … only to find refuge in the Google Bar. Where they’ll have too much to drink, become angry at the bullshit, digitized farce on the YouTube screens and start a massive bar fight.
Which will interrupt all the Google Voice conversations and Friend Connections and Google Waves that are happening (nobody just TALKS in the Google Bar). And chaos will reign while the oppressed rise up and drunkenly swing at the also-drunk nerdarati. Which means only one thing: Google will have to buy the prison system. If Google’s going to make everything free, it will need a source of free labor.